Happy Birthday Sweet Daughter

 It's hard to believe that a year has gone by.  When the calender page turned to October it stung! In my mind we had entered "Lucy's month."  Maybe it will always be Lucy's month to me...I don't know...and that's ok!  She made a mark on this world, and it makes her Mama very proud!  So, here we are. We made it to our little girls birthday.  We have made it through all the "firsts." I didn't know how in the world I would feel today. The last 2 weeks have been incredibly hard. (There might have been some kicking and screaming!) but today has been quite peaceful. I spent almost the entire day surrounded by friends. I know that our family was smothered in prayer.The Lord heard those prayers and filled me with peace!

I feel like my "word" for this year has been sovereign. I have clung to the sovereignty of our Lord. He is in total control and nothing he does is for harm. It is all meant for good and to further his kingdom. But why does it have to hurt so bad? Well, for me it has been in the deep pain that I have felt him so, so very near. Because as we know..."Jesus wept." He felt pain and he hurts for us! But he can also see the BIG picture. I am thankful he is so BIG!!

So, as I close this day out I end it with a thankful yet sad heart! I am thankful for my daughter that made a mark on this world! I am thankful for dear friends that have walked this hard road with us and loved us SO well! I am thankful for a husband that has loved me unconditionally! I am thankful that we have made it one year! But most of ALL I am thankful for Jesus!

He Carries My Burdens

It is hard to believe that we are six and a half weeks away from our Lucy's first birthday. It blows my mind how fast it has gone by! It has been a long, hard year but one that has been full of lots of personal growth, growth in our marriage and in our family! The Lord has truly used our little girls life to teach us so many things! I truly understand what it means to fully rely on Him! I am not going to wake up one day and be "fixed" or "all better." I am healing by God's Grace! But healing doesn't mean I don't still hurt and miss Lucy like crazy!! The last week and half have been really hard...not sure why...maybe because her birthday is drawing near and I remember so much about this time last year!! Lots of tears have been shed over the last few days. I miss everything I won't get to do with my little girl. I miss her for Maggie! Watching my daughter miss her sister is so incredibly difficult!! My boys have talked about her a lot lately, too.  We all just miss her!

But with all these aches, pains and tears comes God's mercy.  His mercies are new every morning! Was craving his Word today and knew I needed to carve out a specific time to dig in! And oh how glad I am that I did. My bible study was about how God daily carries our burdens! Just like Psalm 68:19 says " praise be to The Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens."  He is so merciful and gracious and wants to carry this heavy load that daily I am bearing! Beth Moore writes in the devotional I am reading..."He is acquainted with every burden even before the bad news. Before the sun rises, He metes out His mercy in direct proportion to your day's needs. God desires to TAKE our burdens and GIVE His mercy!"  That sure warms my hurting heart!!

So tomorrow when I wake up and live another day missing my daughter,  I am going to lay my burdens at the foot of the cross and let my Jesus pour his mercy and peace all over me! And then I am going to count all the blessings that I DO have!!

Refining

I have thought a lot lately about what the first few months were like after we said goodbye to Lucy.  I lived in such a fog.  Grief does that to you.  It gets a tight grip on you and hovers.  It is painful but it is also part of the process I think.  My arms physically ached for my little girl.  No one ever thinks that they will leave the hospital empty handed.  I sure never thought I would.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  As moms we are planners.  I had my days and nights planned in my head.  And then all of that was ripped out from under me.  There is no doubt that the Lord is doing a serious work in my  life.  He is refining me...molding and shaping me...stirring in my heart...he is giving me a hunger for his Word like never before!

It is hard to believe we are in our ninth month without Lucy!  It has been a long nine months but at the same time it has gone by so fast!  I feel like the fog is slowly lifting.  But I am a different person. I will never be the person I was before Lucy.  And I guess that is a good thing.  The Lord is doing a serious work in me.   I am not going to lie...it has been extremely painful.  The pain of losing a child is indescribable.  It is a pain that no one understands unless they have been there.  It takes you to the lowest places imaginable but in those low places Jesus is still there.  In the first few months of grief I spent every afternoon while Hunt napped on the couch crying from the depths of my soul.  A cry that is almost painful...it comes from deep down in your gut.  And I still have those deep moments of hard, hard crying. It happened a few days ago.  I fell on my knees and cried for my little girl. I miss her.  I miss her so very, very much!  And I won't ever stop missing her.  She is at the forefront of my mind everyday.  As life goes on and I go about my day doing things that a wife and mom need to do she isn't far from my mind.  But that is true love isn't it?  She is my precious daughter and I love her more than words could ever express! 

Our God is good!  He has carried me the last nine and a half months and will continue to.  I will keep lifting my hands in praise and turning my face to heaven...that is all I know to do and want to do!  I want to grow through this painful process!


  33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

AMEN!!

Keeping My EYES on Jesus

22 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone,24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them:“Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,”he said, “why did you doubt?”
32 And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”
Matthew 14:22-33

We can learn a lot from Peter in these few verses. What happened the minute Peter took his eyes off of Jesus? He SANK.  He saw the wind. It distracted him, and he took his eyes off of Jesus! That is so me...almost daily. I am distracted with so many things and I take my eyes off of Him. When I take my eyes off of Jesus the questions, anger, bitterness...they start to creep into my mind. But When I am focused and have my eyes turned upward I find peace, joy, and comfort. It is so easy to doubt! It is easy to doubt because I continue to live day by day without my little girl. This isn't a dream that I'm going to wake up from. I will never get to make memories with her...hear her laugh or call me mommy...I will never get to kiss her boo-boos or get her dressed for dancing. But that's where faith kicks in. I have faith that Jesus is in control. He sees the big picture and knows what is best for us. And I can cling to the verse in Ephesians that says..."20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,"...so, I cling to this hope and keep my eyes on the PRIZE...my Jesus, my Savior! 

Compassion goes a long way!!

I looked down at my phone yesterday and had a missed call from my brother. I quickly called him back. I looked forward to hearing his voice. It is a voice that soothes my aching heart and has always been someone that I have loved, adored and looked up to! In the weeks and months following Lucy's home going he and my sister-in-law called me EVERY single day to "check in."  They offered words of encouragement, wisdom and hope. Well, when he answered yesterday his first question to me was "hey...how are you?" My response of "I'm fine" didn't convince him.  I bursted into tears. It always feels good to cry but there is just something safe and comfortable about crying to my big brother! He listened to my heartache and had so many encouraging things to say! But most importantly he was pointing me back to the cross! I needed him reminding me to cry to Jesus and the promise I have of eternity with my Savior...and Lucy! How thankful and proud I am that my brother will speak truth into me!

When I think about our conversation the word that comes to my mind is compassion! In this self-serving world of selfies, FB statuses, instagrams,etc...compassion and selflessness is something that is fading fast! I hope my kiddos can be as compassionate, selfless, and loving as their uncle! I hope and pray they love The Lord like he does, too!!

I have seen compassion from dear friends as well!   I got a sweet text message from a friend this morning right after I arrived at church. She said, "I am heartbroken for you and praying!" She knew that today was probably hard and wanted me to know she was thinking about me! Those few words meant so much and go a long way!! Another dear friend said that just the other day she saw a picture of something I had monogrammed for Lucy and she started crying! And then two other friends listened  the other day while I just talked about Lucy and how much I miss her! My list could go on and on of the things friends have done, said, and continue to do...my weekly walking partner that listens to me talk and cry, talk and cry...my weekly prayer group that constantly speaks truth into my life...our small group that has loved on us through all of this!!!

So I guess I can wrap this post up by just saying how thankful I am! I am so thankful for my brother and my friends...I am so thankful for their compassion and love! I am thankful they are being the light of Christ!

The Sacred Dance of Joy and Grief

It is really hard to believe we are approaching Lucy's sixth month. This has been a tough one. Six months is such a milestone in a Mama's eyes. So much starts happening...personalities start forming...lots of babbling...etc...This journey is such a dance! It is a sacred dance between joy and grief. I am experiencing the greatest of joys...pure, sweet joy!..The joy in knowing Jesus in such an intimate way...the sweetest joy in spending time with my children...the joy of having a husband that will wrap his arms around me and pray over me...the joy of real, deep, true authentic friendships...and then there are moments when the grief will hit me...piling up with my kids in the bed and there is one missing...a tender moment with my 4 year old when he says " I miss Lucy, Mama."...sitting at her "spot" because I just want to feel close to her...but He has me dancing between joy and grief for a reason.

Psalm 126:3,5-6 says "The Lord will do great things for me, and I will be filled with joy. I will sow in tears, then I will reap with songs of joy. If I go out weeping, carrying seeds to sow, I will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with me."

I can cling to the hope in knowing that my tears are planting seeds that will grow into an even deeper joy for The Lord. I just continue to cling to Him..."look full into his wonderful face"...and put my hope and trust in sweet Jesus!

Thoughts from a 4 year old

Baseball and t-ball season is just about in full swing in our house.  Tyner is playing travel baseball for the Crusaders and Hunt is playing t-ball for the A's.  Both of my boys are sports fanatics...just like their daddy! He has trained them well!  Tyner knows every stat known to man.  Matter of fact just about the whole ride to Mississippi for spring break he was rattling off different stats.  "Hey Mama, did you know (enter players name here) scored (# of points) in his last basketball game.  And did you know (enter coaches name) has coached the (name of team) for 25 years!"  All I know to say is "wow! Tyner" over and over.  It brings such a smile to my face though because it shows how much they look up to their Daddy and hang on to every word he says!  So, back to the baseball season.  This is Hunt's first year of t-ball.  His first practice was last Saturday at 1:00.  At 8:00 a.m. he was dressed and ready to go!  I am sure it is pretty safe to say most little boys do that on the day of their very first practice!  Well, we have t-ball practice twice a week.  The drive to practice takes us past Lucy's "spot."  Nine times out of ten Hunt says, "Mommy, that's where Lucy is buried.  Can we go see her tomorrow?  I want to take her flowers.  Just yesterday he went on to say..."I want to lay a blanket down in the grass by her and pray.  Then the saddest part was when he said..."Lucy is dead.  We buried her and she isn't coming back."   I have to admit I am scared to death to take my sweet, innocent 4 year old to the cemetery to "see" his sister.  I am scared when we get there he will say...where is she?  I have in my head that he thinks if we go up there he will really get to see her.  And then he will start crying and I will too and it will just turn into a really sad, difficult, tough, gut-wrenching situation!  I look at him all the time and miss so bad not getting the chance to see him be a big brother to her.  Oh he would have been such a good big brother! But, my prayer for my kiddos through this has been that it would lay down a solid foundation for them in understanding the Gospel and really getting Jesus!  That we just need Jesus!   That God isn't in a box...and it isn't about just going to church on Sundays...and just saying prayers at night...or just being able to quote lots of scripture...all of that is WONDERFUL and AWESOME and we try to do all those things!...but it all comes down to knowing Jesus and wanting to know him more and more!  If we truly know and LOVE him then our lives are transformed!  We don't need all this stuff that the world offers.  We just need HIM!  And it is because of him we find true joy and know true peace!  So, as much as it hurts to have these tough conversations with my 4 year old I just do it!  And I try my best to point him back to the cross!  

My Jesus

"The depth of sorrow has a way of changing the way you share your life, your heart, your God.  It makes you want to shout the name of Jesus because you realize that after all, in the very midst of it, He is real.  It isn’t just a big book.  It’s the truth, and it has changed me. He has used this season to show me an image of myself, kissing His feet while the tears slip to the ground. " (Angie Smith)

I read this on a blog written by a woman who lost her fourth child...a daughter...almost 6 years ago.  She has an amazing faith and is also a beautiful writer. Well, these few sentences speak perfectly about where my heart, my life, my everything is now! Oh how many times in the last four and a half months I have just shouted Jesus. Sometimes it was anger, and sometimes it was awe! But one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt...he loves me!! He is the reason I can continue to go on. He is the reason I can know and understand pure joy! It took my meeting the depths of sorrow to really know my Jesus in such a REAL way! I knew him before he gave me my sweet little girl...but now I can't get enough of him! He has put a deep longing in my heart that I hope and pray will forever stay! 

And it is so true that the depths of sorrow can truly change the way you share and view life. Sorrow and grief can take you to a place that is very dark and lonely...but not in a bad or scary way. It is a place where I saw my Jesus face to face! He is the ONLY person that knew my deep ache and sat there with me. He took me in all my brokenness, anger, and fear. He sat there and let me pour out my heart and soul and then poured peace over me day after day. And he continues to! 

Ultimately, I have to remember that this isn't my home. Our life here is temporary! I get to spend eternity in the presence of my savior...and Lucy! Wow! I can't wait!!

Where's God...There's God

 As we were on the 10 hour drive to Mississippi on Monday I was listening to a sermon entitled "Where's God, There's God"  After it was over  I was able to reflect on the last four and a half months where there have been numerous Where's God? There's God moments.  During my pregnancy Hunter's company chopped off their sales department which forced/allowed him to start a new company with some of this sales team.  This was an exciting journey to begin but also a little nerve racking.  We went from really good company insurance to really expensive Cobra.  Two weeks before Lucy unexpectedly arrived we received an email from Cobra stating that we did not have coverage.  Of course panic set in and some of the Where's God questions.  We immediately started an appeals process.  We gathered all of the information we needed and sent in our first appeal and prayed really hard that they would accept it.  The day after Lucy was delivered we received a phone call while still in the hospital that they had denied our appeal.  "Where's God?"  So, we went through the appeals process for the second time.  This time we even had a friend helping us that works in the health insurance industry.  I just knew they were going to accept our 2nd appeal.  The week after Lucy passed away we got a phone call.  They had denied our second appeal! "God, where are you?"  About this time all the bills started piling in.  So, we were staring at the biggest mound of bills and no daughter!  Oh, the grief, sadness, sickening feeling was overwhelming!  "Where's God?"  The minute we decided to go forward with fundraising so many people stepped up to help us without blinking an eye.  Friends planning a fundraiser...helping with the giveforward site...sending out mass emails!  THERE'S GOD.   Daily we watched the giveforward site grow and grow.  The generosity of people near and far was overwhelming!  THERE'S GOD.  Lucy's story provided us with an opportunity to share the Gospel on T.V. THERE'S GOD!   I got a random call from the hospital that carried the largest bill telling me they had cut the amount by almost 70%.  THERE'S GOD.  Then there was the Valentine benefit dance.  We all thought it would raise around $4,000.  By the end of the night we had raised almost $10,000.  THERE'S GOD!  Because of the generosity of 100's of people we were able to settle on all of the bills.  The last check has been mailed in.  THERE'S GOD!  THERE'S GOD!  THERE'S GOD!!!


Had Cobra accepted our appeal we would have never been able to see all of these "There's God" moments.  We needed a tangible reminder of His Goodness since we don't have Lucy in our arms.  We ALL need tangible reminders of his goodness!  Again, I want to say thank you to every single person that helped us during the MOST difficult time in our lives!  We are forever grateful!!

Why God Doesn't Fully Explain Pain

Why God Doesn't Fully Explain Pain

By: John Piper

One of the reasons God rarely gives micro reasons for his painful providences, but regularly gives magnificent macro reasons, is that there are too many micro reasons for us to manage, namely, millions and millions and millions and millions and millions.

God says things like:

• These bad things happened to you because I intend to work it together for your good (Romans 8).
• These happened so that you would rely more on God who raises the dead (2 Corinthians 1).
• This happened so that the gold and silver of your faith would be refined (1 Peter 1).
• This thorn is so that the power of Christ would be magnified in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12).

But we can always object that there are other easier ways for God to accomplish those things. We want to know more specifics: Why now? Why this much? Why this often? Why this way? Why these people?

The problem is, we would have to be God to grasp all that God is doing in our problems. In fact, pushing too hard for more detailed explanations from God is a kind of demand that we be God.

Think of this, you are a blacksmith making horseshoes. You are hammering on a white hot shoe and it ricochets off and hits you in the leg and burns you. In your haste to tend to your leg you let the shoe alone unfinished. You wonder why God let this happen. You were singing a hymn and doing his will.

Your helper, not knowing the horseshoe was unfinished gathered it up and put it with the others.

Later there was an invasion of your country by a hostile army with a powerful cavalry. They came through your town and demanded that you supply them with food and with shoes for their horses. You comply.

Their commander has his horse shoed by his own smith using the stolen horseshoes, and the unfinished shoe with the thin weak spot is put on the commander’s horse.

In the decisive battle against the loyal troops defending your homeland the enemy commander is leading the final charge. The weak shoe snaps and catches on a root and causes his horse to fall. He crashes to the ground and his own soldiers, galloping at full speed, trample him to death.

This causes such a confusion that the defenders are able to rout the enemy and the country is saved.

Now you might say, well, it would sure help me trust God if he informed me of these events so that I would know why the horseshoe ricocheted and burned my leg. Well maybe it would help you. Maybe not.

God cannot make plain all he is doing, because there are millions and millions and millions and millions of effects of every event in your life, the good and the bad. God guides them all. They all have micro purposes and macro purposes. He cannot tell you all of them because your brain can’t hold all of them.

Trust does not demand more than God has told us. And he has given us immeasurably precious promises that he is in control of all things and only does good to his children. And he has given us a very thick book where we can read story after story after story about how he rules for the good of his people.
Let’s trust him and not ask for what our brains cannot contain.

Humbled to Say the Least

To look back over the last several months and see the Lord's hand in all of this is awesome to say the least! We received our first bill from Lucy the day after we buried her , and they continued to pour in. When we sat down and stared at the mound we weren't sure how we were going to tackle them. After much discussion and prayer we felt like The Lord was telling us to go forward and try and raise the money.

It is not an easy thing to have to ask for help...especially if it involves asking for money. But through fundraising Hunter and I have had many opportunities to share Lucy's story and most importantly the Gospel. It was so humbling to see how many people wanted to help us! We received donations in the mail, through our give forward page, and the silent auction/Valentine dance. We truly were able to see the body of Christ surround us in so many ways. Friends I haven't seen in years gave to help us out!

Hunter and I want to say thank you! Thank you for helping us, praying for us and loving on us! We have some of the most amazing friends that are truly walking alongside us during the most difficult time in our lives! All the sweet people that have sent me messages, called, written notes...thank you!
Galatians 6:2 says "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ."   You have answered that call and we are forever grateful!!!

Praying for the wisdom of God

O Lord God, infinite in wisdom and knowledge, as I consider your purpose and plans, grant that I might live in total awe and reverence for you, feast daily upon your Word, ask for your wisdom in every situation , and trust you completely when life doesn't make sense. Let me know your will and help me to follow it wholeheartedly, remembering that you already know every ripple of every action throughout history , now and forever. Because of your wisdom, you freely offer your best in every situation, and you provide it to all who ask. So today , I ask. In Jesus's name , Amen.

God as He Longs for You to See Him by Chip Ingram

Trust

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct^[a] your paths.

Psalm 3:5-6

I will be honest I have really been struggling with trust lately. What is trust exactly? One way of defining it is  " a person on which one relies...God is my trust." When I truly sit here and think about my trusting him...do I? Yes, I trust him. I know he knows the future and therefore, he knew what was best for our family...and Lucy. I can fully rely and depend on him. He will not lead me astray. This work that The Lord is doing in us is for our good. He is refining us and transforming us. He is doing a serious work on my heart! It is trials and difficulties that bring us to our knees and make us fully rely and TRUST in Him. 

I love the song Oceans.  This is one of the last verses and it really spoke to me this morning at church!!

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Lord, continue to lead us where our TRUST has absolutely no borders!!!

Enjoy the youtube video of Oceans by Hillsong

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

Joy

I am learning about what it means to have true JOY. The kind we sing about in the song that goes like this...
     "I've got joy down in my heart
       Deep, deep down in my heart
       J-O-Y down in my heart
       Deep, deep down in my heart
       Jesus put it there
       And nothing can destroy...stroy....stroy...HU!!!"
Our losing Lucy is not something to be happy about.  Tears fall often and there are moments that sadness and sorrow overwhelm me!  But I am learning a lot about true JOY. Not joy because of what I have...a nice car, a big house, a closet full of stuff, etc...this is JOy that is deep! deep down in my heart. This joy comes because I have a savior that loves me so much!!! A savior that knows the number of hairs on my head...a savior that knows my faults but loves me anyway...unconditionally! Ahhh...pure, sweet J-O-Y!

Does this deep, deep joy mean it makes losing Lucy easier? Nope...but in my moments of deep grief I look in the face of our Father and find peace...and then the joy returns!

"he sees Gods face and shouts for joy;"...Job 33:26

Even more on God's Goodness

" ultimately, God isn't good because he does good things for us. And God isn't good because of something in us. God is good because of something in him.  He can be nothing else. Both God and his choices remain good, even when they may not feel or look particularly good to you. His intrinsic eternal nature, in all of his attributes, is good. God is, in Tozer's language, "Cordial, benevolent,...open, frank, and friendly...he takes holy pleasure in the happiness of His people." In his wisdom and sovereignty, he decides the perfect times to respond to your cries of distress, to deliver you, and to display his greatness. God doesn't have to respond at all, nor every time, nor even in the same way every time. He acts because he is merciful and because he is good. He longs for you to get to know him and trust him in a way that causes you to turn to him when you crash. Why? Because God is for you. He wants to bless you- generously.  Once you start keeping track of God's goodness, you will find you can't keep up. His blessings through nature are countless(Psalm 145); his rescues are continuous (Psalm 107). There is no safer person to go to in the universe. There is no surer source of deliverance or blessing than God's goodness. And yet, beyond all this evidence, the apex of God's revelation of his goodness is in his Son."

Taken from...
God as He Longs For You to See Him by Chip Ingram

More thoughts on His Goodness!

Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind! Psalm 31:19

I was walking with a friend today and started verbalizing all the ways the Lord has shown his goodness to me. I decided it would be a good idea for me to write them down as a reminder, and I also wanted to share them!

I have seen his goodness in
-dear friends that are walking this road with me
-our church body surrounding us in countless ways
-pure joy i find in being in the presence of my children
-the fact that i am not walking around bitter and miserable
-the peace he washes over me daily
-providing me with a weekly prayer group that is amazing!
-my strong husband

I know I will think of many, many more.  I will add to them as he brings them to mind!

God's Goodness

The last couple of weeks my emotions have been all over the place...shocker!! I know!! I went through several days of just being angry! I tried to sit down and read a book about the goodness of a God! Well, I slammed it shut. I wanted to scream at him... "Your not good! You took my little girl!" Once again, I sobbed...really, really hard! I begged and pleaded for him to wrap his arms around me. Again, he picked me up off the floor and washed a peace over me. And there were moments that followed where he reminded me that he is Good!

Well, several days later we were in church. Sundays tend to be hard days and this particular Sunday was very hard. Don't know why but it was. It was nearing the end of the service and we were singing. Hunter put his arm around me and I broke down. I buried my head in his chest and wept. But as I stood there sobbing I could physically feel the Holy Spirit hovering over me. The music got extra loud and it was as if I was the only person in the room. The floor was shaking from how loud our worship music was! It was absolutely one of the most amazing moments! It was like he was simply telling me, "I love you my precious child!" It was such a wonderful moment where I was reminded that he is GOOD!

And The Lord said, " I will cause my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, The Lord, in your presence." Exodus 33:19

How does a Mom go on?

I feel like this is a good question to address.   Pretty early in my pregnancy I remember hearing about a girl who delivered her stillborn child at 39 weeks.  I also remember thinking to myself how in the world would I ever make it through something like that? I can remember exactly where I was when I heard this news! Anyway, here I am! I am making it...I'll be honest and say that some days I feel like I am barely making it! But I am! For me the physical act of being on my knees with my face in the floor has helped me feel so close to The Lord! In those moments I cry out from the depths of my soul! I ask him To wash peace over me...fill me with joy...give me comfort.  And you know what...He does! I realize I am being very open with this journey we are on but in the first couple of weeks after we lost Lucy I found 2 blogs written by moms that had been in similar situations. They poured their hearts out and it gave me such comfort. So, I write all these things in hopes that it will encourage anyone that is walking through the depths of despair! Our God loves us so much! He hurts when his children hurt, but He is waiting there with arms wide open ready to wrap us up in his peaceful presence!

Hunter and I are seeing the most incredible counselor.  He said something during one of our sessions that has really helped me.  I made the comment that I am sad I won't get to take Lucy to her first day of preschool, her first day of kindergarten, etc... He said, " let me tweak that for you a bit.  Lucy is good. She is safe and happy in our Father's arms.   Instead of focusing on what you won't get to do with Lucy, remember what you have been able to do with Tyner, Maggie and Hunt.  Be thankful that you were able to take each one of them to their first day of preschool and kindergarten and so on"  This has really helped me in my day to day thought process.  It has helped me focus on the goodness of God and pay attention to the blessings that are coming from our loss.

"Now may The Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thess. 3:16

The Roller Coaster

I have not a shadow of a doubt that The Lord has us walking down this hard, sad, difficult road for a reason. This was part of his plan for our lives.  BUT that doesn't make it any easier. This road of grief is very unpredictable.  I don't like how unpredictable my days are. I never know when I wake up if it's going to be a good day or a hard day.  Grief is like a roller coaster. I can be "o.k." For a few days...connecting with the outside world...laughing with friends...then it hits me like a crashing wave.  The good in this...it is causing me to stay in constant conversation with The Lord. I am totally dependent on him!

It has almost been 3 months since I held Lucy. Oh what I would give to hold her again! Some days I wake up and it almost feels like a dream.  I can't believe I carried her for 8 months...felt her kick, flip, and hiccup constantly. I just knew she was going to be one spunky little girl by the way she danced in my tummy! And then having the unexpected happen! We just aren't ever prepared for something like this! I will be honest that Today has been one of my sad days! I just miss her. I miss her like crazy!! I want to hold her, smell her, cuddle with her, and tell her how much I love her.   Although I can't now...I will one day and I CANNOT WAIT!!

I would never make it through this without dear friends that have surrounded us! I call them my "safe" friends! They have entered into this grief with me and are walking beside me.   They laugh with me, cry with me, and allow me to let my guard down and be real.  They are taking time out of their days to help me establish a "new routine." They take the time to really ask how I am doing. I am so incredibly blessed by these friends.

http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/

The above link is the blog written by Molly Piper(daughter in law to John Piper). Her 2nd child, a
girl, was stillborn at 39 weeks. It has been several years but she wrote some great posts about how to deal with grieving friends. If you know of someone going through a difficult loss take time to read some of these articles, they could help you in dealing with a grieving friend!

Yahweh! Yahweh! We Love to Shout Your Name Oh Lord!

For years I have been praying that the Lord would do something big in my life, Hunter's life and our marriage.  Well, he answered that prayer by taking our sweet Lucy.  What we have learned through this about our God, each other and our marriage is amazing.  Hunter and I were asked to speak in church today.   I gave a brief background on what has happened in our life over the last three months.  Hunter spoke about how we have seen the Lord's strength in our weakness. And how He has stripped us down to the core so we will look fully into His face.  We are completely dependent on him!   I was able to listen to my husband speak about the ache of losing his little girl, but how he has seen and felt the Lord in such a mighty way.  I am still amazed at his strength and so thankful that the Lord gave me this man!  But I am most thankful that our God loves us so much! It is because of Him that we are able to make it through this.  He is carrying us when we cannot walk!

We sang the song At Your Name this morning.  I love that song!  I want to SCREAM the chorus! 

Lord of all the earth
We shout Your name, shout Your name
Filling up the skies
With endless praise, endless praise
Yahweh, Yahweh
We love to shout Your name, oh Lord

I leave you with the video of this song! Shout his name!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il-bJjeiOhY

Good News

Friday afternoon we got a phone call that was an answered prayer! The provider that holds the largest bill has agreed to a large discount allowing us to reduce our total campaign amount. I cried when he told me because it was such a relief. Hunter and I, along with many other people, have prayed so hard that God would show up in a big way and do something with all these bills. Our small group circled around us last Sunday and prayed over us. The original amount we thought we owed was so huge it was completely overwhelming.   Well, he heard our prayers, and we feel like our new goal is something that is attainable!  We are hoping to raise close to $45,000.

We have been completely humbled by all the generous donations we have received so far. Thanks to everyone who has helped us in so many different ways as we walk down this difficult road. We would never be making it through this without such amazing family and friends!

He is the Same God

I am so blessed to be in a weekly prayer group with some of the most incredible, Godly women.  It certainly helps me get through these weeks that seem to be really long at this point in our lives. Anyway, while I was there yesterday I received a message from Hunter that had some disappointing news in it.  We were waiting to hear from a guy in hopes that he could help us negotiate our MSHA bill. (This is the largest bill).  Hunter's message simply said..."he can't help." Another dead end. I told the girls in my prayer group I just feel like..."Where's God"?  I know he is strong, mighty, and sovereign but where is he? It is hard enough losing our little girl but then this and it is disappointment after disappointment!

Well, one of the girls reminded me by saying..." Mimi, he is the same God now as he was when he took Lucy...and when he told Moses to part the Red Sea(exodus 14:1-31)...and when He told Moses to strike the rock and water came pouring out(Numbers20:1-13).  He can do immeasurably more than we can imagine. It all comes down to faith. I said yesterday, " I know he is looking down and saying 'oh ye, of little faith'...but, through all of this I know he is strengthening my faith. We have nothing to cling to but Him.  He's got this!

Fundraising Update and Thank You

We have been so humbled by all the generous gifts of friends and family! Through our blog and other generous gifts we have raised $5,558.25.  Dealing with the overwhelming amount of bills after losing Lucy has been very painful. Her name is printed all over them along with "baby girl" Simpson.  It is such a constant, visual reminder of what we lost.   Wow, it hurts like crazy but I told a good friend today that I am so glad that God chose me to be her mommy! She changed her Daddy and me so much in the three days we had her. She filled our hearts with a love for our Heavenly Father that is indescribable! I look at my children, our circumstances, friendships,etc...with a new pair of eyes! All of this happened because of our Lucy! He wants us to love harder...live bigger...and do it all for HIM! That's what we intend to do!

I feel like Job

Job was a wealthy and upright man who lost his possessions, his children and his health.  Everything was stripped away from him.  But at the end of the story Job finally learned that when nothing else was left, he had God, and that was enough!

I am not going to lie. Life is really hard right now. Grieving our loss of Lucy is hard enough.  Throw in the enormous medical bills, and a few other really stressful things and whew!!! But through this I am truly learning that God is enough! He is my calm in the storm. He is my strength when I am weak.  
He is my ALL in ALL. Nothing surprises Him.  He never changes. He is always the same...loving, kind, gentle and PRESENT. Even times when I don't think He is present, He is!!

The Lord had a plan for Job and He has a plan for us. He is calling us to total dependency...pure faith and trust! I really like to feel like I have total control in situations.  Well, I am learning that I have no control! He does! I have to let go of the reigns and let Him lead me.  Job 42:1 says, " I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

So, as I sit here feeling like Job, I can find rest in knowing that my God is enough! And our greatest reward will be knowing Him in a deeper and much more intimate way!

More Thoughts On the Sovereignty of God

Another great example of men resting in the sovereignty of God is the story in Daniel chapter 3, of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. These three young Hebrew captives would not bow to the golden idol that king Nebuchadnezzar set up. The king brought these three men in before Him and gave them one more chance to either bow or be cast into the fiery furnace and be burned. And they said, "If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up" (Daniel 3:17-18). They weren't careful at all in their answer to the king. They were very bold and very sure about their God. They were resting in a very unsure situation in the ability of their God. They knew their God was able to deliver them one way or the other. He would deliver them out of the fire or out of the king’s hand. God honored their faith in His sovereign power and delivered them out of the fire. Do you have this kind of bold faith in the mighty hand of God to deliver you?( The Sovereignty of God by Steve Carr)

I am praying for that kind of bold faith! Hunter and I are in the heat of a very unsure situation! It has been hard enough not having Lucy to hold, rock, kiss, and make memories with. Throw in the enormous bills we are faced with, and I am quick to ask God...where are you? Are you able to take care of this? But if I believe in his sovereign power I know he can! 

Several different times today I was reminded of the verse in Psalm that says " be still and know that I am God."  He is El Elyon...God Most High...Sovereign over All! I can find true rest in that! 

He Gives and Takes Away

Nine weeks ago our lives changed forever! Nine weeks ago we welcomed our little girl in the world and three days later handed her to our Father.  The 5 or so hours we were in the NICU with Lucy when she was slipping away are forever etched in our memory!  I will never forget hovering over her and telling her how much I loved her...and telling her to hang on...and telling her there were so many things I wanted to teach her.  After the ultrasound of her brain, we knew there was a choice we were going to have to make.  There was nothing else the doctors could do.  Hunter and I stood there with our preacher.  We wept.  I screamed.  I almost walked out of the NICU without ever holding her.  I am so glad I changed my mind!  I told the nurses I wanted to hold her.  They unplugged all of her stuff.  They pulled up a rocking chair and Hunter and I sat there and stared at our little girl.  We stared at Lucy knowing that these would be the only memories we would make with her!  I sang Seek Ye First to her...one of the songs I sing to the other 3 every single night. 

It gets a hair easier everyday, but we have a long road ahead of us!  Yes, it helps having my three kiddos to distract me, but sometimes it makes it harder.   There are times when I look at them, and I see a piece of our family puzzle missing.  I couldn't wait to watch them grow up with Lucy.  I just knew the boys were going to be so protective of her and Maggie was going to be the best big sister!  I couldn't wait to see Hunter fall in love with another daughter! 

But our God gives and takes away.  I know that!  When he takes away, it hurts really, really bad.  But I am learning so much about our Savior.  Have I gotten mad at Him?  Absolutely!  Have I screamed at him and asked why? You bet!  But at the end of the day I know he loves us unconditionally and His plans are best!  I can't see that right now, but I know in my heart it is true!

Sovereign Over Us

One of my favorite songs to listen to is "Sovereign Over Us" by Aaron Keyes.  The first week after Lucy went home I would listen to this song every night. I would sing it through agonizing tears...raise my hands in the air...and cling to every word of the song. He is SOVEREIGN over us.

I decided last night that I wanted to dig into the Word and learn more about the Sovereignty of God. Webster defines sovereign as having supreme rank, power or authority. Through reading and understanding more about God's sovereignty, I found that asking questions like "why is God doing this to us?" and " what is His purpose in all this?"...I am questioning his authority-or sovereignty- over us. I'm questioning who He is and the position he holds as God and King.

In Romans 8:28, Scripture declares that all things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to His purpose. This verse declares the power of God’s sovereignty over all the things that occur in our life. He is working all things for our good. God doesn't use just some of these things, but all of them. He doesn't use just the good things for His purposes, but all things to bring about His ultimate purpose in our lives. He’s shaping everything together to bring about good in our life. (The Sovereignty of God by Steve Carr)

Just one more thing I can cling to and claim as we continue to live life without our daughter. He is Sovereign Over Us!!

Follow this link to watchAaron Keyes sing "Sovereign Over Us"
Enjoy...and let the Sovereignty of a God "wash over you!!"

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VPkMbhydU9I