Thoughts from a 4 year old

Baseball and t-ball season is just about in full swing in our house.  Tyner is playing travel baseball for the Crusaders and Hunt is playing t-ball for the A's.  Both of my boys are sports fanatics...just like their daddy! He has trained them well!  Tyner knows every stat known to man.  Matter of fact just about the whole ride to Mississippi for spring break he was rattling off different stats.  "Hey Mama, did you know (enter players name here) scored (# of points) in his last basketball game.  And did you know (enter coaches name) has coached the (name of team) for 25 years!"  All I know to say is "wow! Tyner" over and over.  It brings such a smile to my face though because it shows how much they look up to their Daddy and hang on to every word he says!  So, back to the baseball season.  This is Hunt's first year of t-ball.  His first practice was last Saturday at 1:00.  At 8:00 a.m. he was dressed and ready to go!  I am sure it is pretty safe to say most little boys do that on the day of their very first practice!  Well, we have t-ball practice twice a week.  The drive to practice takes us past Lucy's "spot."  Nine times out of ten Hunt says, "Mommy, that's where Lucy is buried.  Can we go see her tomorrow?  I want to take her flowers.  Just yesterday he went on to say..."I want to lay a blanket down in the grass by her and pray.  Then the saddest part was when he said..."Lucy is dead.  We buried her and she isn't coming back."   I have to admit I am scared to death to take my sweet, innocent 4 year old to the cemetery to "see" his sister.  I am scared when we get there he will say...where is she?  I have in my head that he thinks if we go up there he will really get to see her.  And then he will start crying and I will too and it will just turn into a really sad, difficult, tough, gut-wrenching situation!  I look at him all the time and miss so bad not getting the chance to see him be a big brother to her.  Oh he would have been such a good big brother! But, my prayer for my kiddos through this has been that it would lay down a solid foundation for them in understanding the Gospel and really getting Jesus!  That we just need Jesus!   That God isn't in a box...and it isn't about just going to church on Sundays...and just saying prayers at night...or just being able to quote lots of scripture...all of that is WONDERFUL and AWESOME and we try to do all those things!...but it all comes down to knowing Jesus and wanting to know him more and more!  If we truly know and LOVE him then our lives are transformed!  We don't need all this stuff that the world offers.  We just need HIM!  And it is because of him we find true joy and know true peace!  So, as much as it hurts to have these tough conversations with my 4 year old I just do it!  And I try my best to point him back to the cross!  

My Jesus

"The depth of sorrow has a way of changing the way you share your life, your heart, your God.  It makes you want to shout the name of Jesus because you realize that after all, in the very midst of it, He is real.  It isn’t just a big book.  It’s the truth, and it has changed me. He has used this season to show me an image of myself, kissing His feet while the tears slip to the ground. " (Angie Smith)

I read this on a blog written by a woman who lost her fourth child...a daughter...almost 6 years ago.  She has an amazing faith and is also a beautiful writer. Well, these few sentences speak perfectly about where my heart, my life, my everything is now! Oh how many times in the last four and a half months I have just shouted Jesus. Sometimes it was anger, and sometimes it was awe! But one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt...he loves me!! He is the reason I can continue to go on. He is the reason I can know and understand pure joy! It took my meeting the depths of sorrow to really know my Jesus in such a REAL way! I knew him before he gave me my sweet little girl...but now I can't get enough of him! He has put a deep longing in my heart that I hope and pray will forever stay! 

And it is so true that the depths of sorrow can truly change the way you share and view life. Sorrow and grief can take you to a place that is very dark and lonely...but not in a bad or scary way. It is a place where I saw my Jesus face to face! He is the ONLY person that knew my deep ache and sat there with me. He took me in all my brokenness, anger, and fear. He sat there and let me pour out my heart and soul and then poured peace over me day after day. And he continues to! 

Ultimately, I have to remember that this isn't my home. Our life here is temporary! I get to spend eternity in the presence of my savior...and Lucy! Wow! I can't wait!!

Where's God...There's God

 As we were on the 10 hour drive to Mississippi on Monday I was listening to a sermon entitled "Where's God, There's God"  After it was over  I was able to reflect on the last four and a half months where there have been numerous Where's God? There's God moments.  During my pregnancy Hunter's company chopped off their sales department which forced/allowed him to start a new company with some of this sales team.  This was an exciting journey to begin but also a little nerve racking.  We went from really good company insurance to really expensive Cobra.  Two weeks before Lucy unexpectedly arrived we received an email from Cobra stating that we did not have coverage.  Of course panic set in and some of the Where's God questions.  We immediately started an appeals process.  We gathered all of the information we needed and sent in our first appeal and prayed really hard that they would accept it.  The day after Lucy was delivered we received a phone call while still in the hospital that they had denied our appeal.  "Where's God?"  So, we went through the appeals process for the second time.  This time we even had a friend helping us that works in the health insurance industry.  I just knew they were going to accept our 2nd appeal.  The week after Lucy passed away we got a phone call.  They had denied our second appeal! "God, where are you?"  About this time all the bills started piling in.  So, we were staring at the biggest mound of bills and no daughter!  Oh, the grief, sadness, sickening feeling was overwhelming!  "Where's God?"  The minute we decided to go forward with fundraising so many people stepped up to help us without blinking an eye.  Friends planning a fundraiser...helping with the giveforward site...sending out mass emails!  THERE'S GOD.   Daily we watched the giveforward site grow and grow.  The generosity of people near and far was overwhelming!  THERE'S GOD.  Lucy's story provided us with an opportunity to share the Gospel on T.V. THERE'S GOD!   I got a random call from the hospital that carried the largest bill telling me they had cut the amount by almost 70%.  THERE'S GOD.  Then there was the Valentine benefit dance.  We all thought it would raise around $4,000.  By the end of the night we had raised almost $10,000.  THERE'S GOD!  Because of the generosity of 100's of people we were able to settle on all of the bills.  The last check has been mailed in.  THERE'S GOD!  THERE'S GOD!  THERE'S GOD!!!


Had Cobra accepted our appeal we would have never been able to see all of these "There's God" moments.  We needed a tangible reminder of His Goodness since we don't have Lucy in our arms.  We ALL need tangible reminders of his goodness!  Again, I want to say thank you to every single person that helped us during the MOST difficult time in our lives!  We are forever grateful!!

Why God Doesn't Fully Explain Pain

Why God Doesn't Fully Explain Pain

By: John Piper

One of the reasons God rarely gives micro reasons for his painful providences, but regularly gives magnificent macro reasons, is that there are too many micro reasons for us to manage, namely, millions and millions and millions and millions and millions.

God says things like:

• These bad things happened to you because I intend to work it together for your good (Romans 8).
• These happened so that you would rely more on God who raises the dead (2 Corinthians 1).
• This happened so that the gold and silver of your faith would be refined (1 Peter 1).
• This thorn is so that the power of Christ would be magnified in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12).

But we can always object that there are other easier ways for God to accomplish those things. We want to know more specifics: Why now? Why this much? Why this often? Why this way? Why these people?

The problem is, we would have to be God to grasp all that God is doing in our problems. In fact, pushing too hard for more detailed explanations from God is a kind of demand that we be God.

Think of this, you are a blacksmith making horseshoes. You are hammering on a white hot shoe and it ricochets off and hits you in the leg and burns you. In your haste to tend to your leg you let the shoe alone unfinished. You wonder why God let this happen. You were singing a hymn and doing his will.

Your helper, not knowing the horseshoe was unfinished gathered it up and put it with the others.

Later there was an invasion of your country by a hostile army with a powerful cavalry. They came through your town and demanded that you supply them with food and with shoes for their horses. You comply.

Their commander has his horse shoed by his own smith using the stolen horseshoes, and the unfinished shoe with the thin weak spot is put on the commander’s horse.

In the decisive battle against the loyal troops defending your homeland the enemy commander is leading the final charge. The weak shoe snaps and catches on a root and causes his horse to fall. He crashes to the ground and his own soldiers, galloping at full speed, trample him to death.

This causes such a confusion that the defenders are able to rout the enemy and the country is saved.

Now you might say, well, it would sure help me trust God if he informed me of these events so that I would know why the horseshoe ricocheted and burned my leg. Well maybe it would help you. Maybe not.

God cannot make plain all he is doing, because there are millions and millions and millions and millions of effects of every event in your life, the good and the bad. God guides them all. They all have micro purposes and macro purposes. He cannot tell you all of them because your brain can’t hold all of them.

Trust does not demand more than God has told us. And he has given us immeasurably precious promises that he is in control of all things and only does good to his children. And he has given us a very thick book where we can read story after story after story about how he rules for the good of his people.
Let’s trust him and not ask for what our brains cannot contain.

Humbled to Say the Least

To look back over the last several months and see the Lord's hand in all of this is awesome to say the least! We received our first bill from Lucy the day after we buried her , and they continued to pour in. When we sat down and stared at the mound we weren't sure how we were going to tackle them. After much discussion and prayer we felt like The Lord was telling us to go forward and try and raise the money.

It is not an easy thing to have to ask for help...especially if it involves asking for money. But through fundraising Hunter and I have had many opportunities to share Lucy's story and most importantly the Gospel. It was so humbling to see how many people wanted to help us! We received donations in the mail, through our give forward page, and the silent auction/Valentine dance. We truly were able to see the body of Christ surround us in so many ways. Friends I haven't seen in years gave to help us out!

Hunter and I want to say thank you! Thank you for helping us, praying for us and loving on us! We have some of the most amazing friends that are truly walking alongside us during the most difficult time in our lives! All the sweet people that have sent me messages, called, written notes...thank you!
Galatians 6:2 says "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ."   You have answered that call and we are forever grateful!!!