Refining

I have thought a lot lately about what the first few months were like after we said goodbye to Lucy.  I lived in such a fog.  Grief does that to you.  It gets a tight grip on you and hovers.  It is painful but it is also part of the process I think.  My arms physically ached for my little girl.  No one ever thinks that they will leave the hospital empty handed.  I sure never thought I would.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  As moms we are planners.  I had my days and nights planned in my head.  And then all of that was ripped out from under me.  There is no doubt that the Lord is doing a serious work in my  life.  He is refining me...molding and shaping me...stirring in my heart...he is giving me a hunger for his Word like never before!

It is hard to believe we are in our ninth month without Lucy!  It has been a long nine months but at the same time it has gone by so fast!  I feel like the fog is slowly lifting.  But I am a different person. I will never be the person I was before Lucy.  And I guess that is a good thing.  The Lord is doing a serious work in me.   I am not going to lie...it has been extremely painful.  The pain of losing a child is indescribable.  It is a pain that no one understands unless they have been there.  It takes you to the lowest places imaginable but in those low places Jesus is still there.  In the first few months of grief I spent every afternoon while Hunt napped on the couch crying from the depths of my soul.  A cry that is almost painful...it comes from deep down in your gut.  And I still have those deep moments of hard, hard crying. It happened a few days ago.  I fell on my knees and cried for my little girl. I miss her.  I miss her so very, very much!  And I won't ever stop missing her.  She is at the forefront of my mind everyday.  As life goes on and I go about my day doing things that a wife and mom need to do she isn't far from my mind.  But that is true love isn't it?  She is my precious daughter and I love her more than words could ever express! 

Our God is good!  He has carried me the last nine and a half months and will continue to.  I will keep lifting my hands in praise and turning my face to heaven...that is all I know to do and want to do!  I want to grow through this painful process!


  33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

AMEN!!