Beauty in Pain

This picture in one way represents the beauty and pain we have walked through. The pain of losing Lucy Pattison but the beauty in welcoming Luke Pattison! I took this picture on October 30, 2015. Two years to the day that we had to make the excruciating decision of letting our little girl go! A decision I never imagined in a million years I would ever have to make. The pain is in the death and loss. The beauty is in what the Lord has done through our loss. It makes me think of the line from the song "Sovereign Over Us"...(which our family calls Lucy's Song) ..."There is strength within the sorrow, there is beauty in our tears." Death, loss, grief...it is so painful...but the sorrow and tears we go through and still shed only make us stronger. They have allowed us to see and feel the Lord in such a REaL way! I miss my daughter so very, very much and would give anything for her to be here. I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that is physically painful because I miss her so bad.  I think about her in someway every day! But i am thankful for her precious life and how she has changed us...as husband and wife...as a mama and daddy...as a friend, etc...

So, I look at this picture on New Years Eve and I am thankful for the beauty in the pain. I'm thankful for Luke and that he is healthy! I am now at a point where I can say I am thankful for the 30 days we spent in Lucy's same NICU. I am thankful for what 2015 taught me. It has been one more year of healing for our family! And now i welcome 2016 with open arms.  It is my prayer that we will spend the year and every year pressing into Him in every area of our life..when we are on top of the mountain and when we are deep in the valley! Because there is beauty at the top and even at the bottom!

Happy 2016!!

Positivity??!! Really??

Have you ever taken the strengths finder test?  It really is amazing how it totally nails your personality and "strengths"!  Several of my top traits have to do with my love for people and realtionships...WOO(winning others over) and includer...one of my other top strengths is positivity.  Well, my strength of being positive comes very natural!  My parents are two of the most positive people on the planet.  The glass in our house when I was growing up was ALWAYS half full!! We were always making lemonade around the Tyner house!! Well, my "positivity"  has been tested to the max since losing Lucy!  How in the world could I find anything positive about burying my daughter?  I could very easily write a page about all that we are missing out on with her...rehash the nightmare we lived in the operating room...give details of the moment we had to sit our 3 children down and tell them their sister died!  Yes, I do have to live with the knowledge of knowing all these things but instead of focusing on those things I choose to focus on the good that the Lord has shown us through her short life!  The Lord brought Hunter and me to our knees in a way that only came through deep loss and grief! and while I was on my knees, for the first time, I completely understood what it meant to rest in his sovereignty! I found...and still find...myself and my family in a situation that I cannot and will never be able to change. Lucy will never be with us this side of heaven! But God is Sovereign and ultimately he is Good!

And So, at noon today I will meet my husband at the cemetery. And this sucks really bad! But I will take my positivity with me( which for me is really the HOPE that lives in my heart) and I will lay flowers down at her "spot."  We will weep and grieve for our daughter! But we will do this all with Hope! Because of Jesus and his redeeming work on the cross I get to see my daughter again and spend eternity in the presence of our God and King...and Lucy!

For those of you that read this...I pray you have this same Hope!...that you, too, can rest in knowing that one day you will get to spend eternity in the most perfect place of all!! With the One who is absolutely perfect, loving, kind and gentle!

Happy 2nd Birthday Dear Daughter

Today is my little girls 2nd birthday! Wow! On one side I can't believe it's been two years and on the other side it feels like forever ago! My heart hurts today! I miss her always but today it is extra painful! And actually the last few weeks have been a little heavy!  But I've said it over and over that the Lord is in the good and he is in the painful! He hurts with us and is near to us. Scripture even confirms that..."the Lord is near to the broken-hearted!"

We have seen the Lord use Lucy's life to draw people to him! She certainly changed our lives and our family! A lot has happened in the 2 years since we met our 2nd daughter! We miss her like crazy but we can rejoice because she is alive with Christ! I am so very thankful I have the hope of heaven! And now, 2 years later, I can rejoice over her life...with tears in my eyes...but I can rejoice! I will spend today missing my daughter deeply...but thankful for her precious life!

Overwhelmed

I love the song Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave. And that's what I'm feeling at this moment as I siT in the room with Luke waiting for him to be discharged. We have been here for 4 weeks and three days! It has been a long, exhausting and sometimes scary road. This was not the road I expected to take with this pregnancy! I thought surely since I buried my daughter I would have an easy pregnancy(as easy as it can be after suffering a devistating loss) and easy delivery. I had served my time of suffering! Well, as we all know we are not in control! The Lord saw fit for us to be thrust to our knees again! I wish I could say that's what I did but I didnt. I was too scared to. I told a dear friend of mine this. She said, "The Lord wants you to be honest with him. He can take it. This is when you rely on other people praying for you!"
And I absolutely did! And slowly over the last 4 weeks and 3 days he has been drawing me oh so near to him! He has spoken to me through dear friends, sweet messages, songs, the mountains outside the NICU window, the amazing staff and nurses and in my quiet times. And through my precious Luke!

22 months ago we walked out of this same NICU without our daughter! We left with empty arms and broken hearts! But today we leave with full arms and mended hearts! How thankful I am that the Lord has blessed us with this precious baby boy! I'm overwhelmed!

Overwhelmed by Big Daddy Weave
(Just a few of the verses)

I see the work of your hands
Galaxies spin in a heavenly dance oh God
All that you are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of your voice
All at once its a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that you are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in you
Captivated by Your Beauty
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

God I run into your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

I know the power of your cross
Forgiven and free forever you'll be my God
And all that you've done is so
Overwhelming

I delight myself in you
In the Glory of your Presence
I'm overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed by You

Standing in Awe

We are reading a great book with our small group at the moment.  It is called "To Live is Christ To Die is Gain" by Matt Chandler.  Our small group leader asked a great question Sunday night as we were discussing a chapter.  She asked, "When was the last time you stood in awe of God?"  Well,  I had a quick response.  I stood in awe of our God the night of our Lucy Simpson Foundation benefit!  And I still stand in awe because of where we are today compared to a year ago.  A year ago we were going to the same benefit but it was to help us.  We were still in the depths of deep grief and up to our ears in medial bills.  We had no idea what the Lord had in store.  All we wanted then was for our daughter to be with us and the nightmare to be over.  Well, we still wish she was here but we are no longer living in deep grief and we don't feel like we live in a nightmare.  I was able to walk into the benefit this year with the biggest smile on my face.  My daughter's name was everywhere...but this time as the Lucy Simpson Foundation!  So many people showed up to support us and our new foundation.   And all of this is happening because of our daughter and the impact that she had on us and so many other people! 

For a long while I had the hardest time accepting the fact that I had to continue the rest of my life as a mom without her 4th child.  How was this going to look?  Would I ever be the same?  Will I always hurt this bad and miss her this much?  Well, my answers to these questions are very different today than they would have been a year ago.  Will I ever be the same?  NO! But I don't want to be the same!  Like James 1:3-4 tells us..."the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Living with the loss of my precious daughter has been a true test to our faith!  It has brought us to our knees over and over and continues to!  Will I always hurt this bad and miss her this much?  YES! But now I can see the beauty in hurting and missing her!  First it allows me to see Jesus much more clearly!  I understand the great love he has for us as his children!  And if I didn't miss her and hurt for her then there was no love!  But of course I love her from the depths of my soul.  I am amazed at how much indescribable love I have for my little girl that I only got to see for 3 days... and hold for just a few minutes... and only sing 2 lullabies to! 

So, here I am almost 17 months later.  I still miss her as much today as I did the day we had to let her go.  But I can also look around and see so many blessings that have come about because of my little Lucy!  I have a marriage that is stronger and deeper than ever before!  True, deep, authentic friendships have formed with some of the most amazing women!  Peace and joy are now deeply rooted!   But most importantly...I know that our Savior is Sovereign!  He is good, gracious, loving, merciful and kind!  And I know that he loves a desperate sinner like me!  And that right there is the biggest blessing of all!!

I will end with this incredible video that we showed at the benefit that my talented husband created.  The song that goes along with it is "Sovereign Over Us" by Aaron Keyes.  It was played at Lucy's celebration. It is a song that I will forever cling to!!

https://animoto.com/play/QSxgRI09jWx8J9R01txIgw

And if you haven't checked out our website please do!
http://www.lucysimpsonfoundation.com/