Wednesday, January 22, 2014

How does a Mom go on?

I feel like this is a good question to address.   Pretty early in my pregnancy I remember hearing about a girl who delivered her stillborn child at 39 weeks.  I also remember thinking to myself how in the world would I ever make it through something like that? I can remember exactly where I was when I heard this news! Anyway, here I am! I am making it...I'll be honest and say that some days I feel like I am barely making it! But I am! For me the physical act of being on my knees with my face in the floor has helped me feel so close to The Lord! In those moments I cry out from the depths of my soul! I ask him To wash peace over me...fill me with joy...give me comfort.  And you know what...He does! I realize I am being very open with this journey we are on but in the first couple of weeks after we lost Lucy I found 2 blogs written by moms that had been in similar situations. They poured their hearts out and it gave me such comfort. So, I write all these things in hopes that it will encourage anyone that is walking through the depths of despair! Our God loves us so much! He hurts when his children hurt, but He is waiting there with arms wide open ready to wrap us up in his peaceful presence!

Hunter and I are seeing the most incredible counselor.  He said something during one of our sessions that has really helped me.  I made the comment that I am sad I won't get to take Lucy to her first day of preschool, her first day of kindergarten, etc... He said, " let me tweak that for you a bit.  Lucy is good. She is safe and happy in our Father's arms.   Instead of focusing on what you won't get to do with Lucy, remember what you have been able to do with Tyner, Maggie and Hunt.  Be thankful that you were able to take each one of them to their first day of preschool and kindergarten and so on"  This has really helped me in my day to day thought process.  It has helped me focus on the goodness of God and pay attention to the blessings that are coming from our loss.

"Now may The Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.  The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thess. 3:16

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Roller Coaster

I have not a shadow of a doubt that The Lord has us walking down this hard, sad, difficult road for a reason. This was part of his plan for our lives.  BUT that doesn't make it any easier. This road of grief is very unpredictable.  I don't like how unpredictable my days are. I never know when I wake up if it's going to be a good day or a hard day.  Grief is like a roller coaster. I can be "o.k." For a few days...connecting with the outside world...laughing with friends...then it hits me like a crashing wave.  The good in this...it is causing me to stay in constant conversation with The Lord. I am totally dependent on him!

It has almost been 3 months since I held Lucy. Oh what I would give to hold her again! Some days I wake up and it almost feels like a dream.  I can't believe I carried her for 8 months...felt her kick, flip, and hiccup constantly. I just knew she was going to be one spunky little girl by the way she danced in my tummy! And then having the unexpected happen! We just aren't ever prepared for something like this! I will be honest that Today has been one of my sad days! I just miss her. I miss her like crazy!! I want to hold her, smell her, cuddle with her, and tell her how much I love her.   Although I can't now...I will one day and I CANNOT WAIT!!

I would never make it through this without dear friends that have surrounded us! I call them my "safe" friends! They have entered into this grief with me and are walking beside me.   They laugh with me, cry with me, and allow me to let my guard down and be real.  They are taking time out of their days to help me establish a "new routine." They take the time to really ask how I am doing. I am so incredibly blessed by these friends.

http://mollypiper.com/2008/03/

The above link is the blog written by Molly Piper(daughter in law to John Piper). Her 2nd child, a
girl, was stillborn at 39 weeks. It has been several years but she wrote some great posts about how to deal with grieving friends. If you know of someone going through a difficult loss take time to read some of these articles, they could help you in dealing with a grieving friend!





Sunday, January 19, 2014

Yahweh! Yahweh! We Love to Shout Your Name Oh Lord!

For years I have been praying that the Lord would do something big in my life, Hunter's life and our marriage.  Well, he answered that prayer by taking our sweet Lucy.  What we have learned through this about our God, each other and our marriage is amazing.  Hunter and I were asked to speak in church today.   I gave a brief background on what has happened in our life over the last three months.  Hunter spoke about how we have seen the Lord's strength in our weakness. And how He has stripped us down to the core so we will look fully into His face.  We are completely dependent on him!   I was able to listen to my husband speak about the ache of losing his little girl, but how he has seen and felt the Lord in such a mighty way.  I am still amazed at his strength and so thankful that the Lord gave me this man!  But I am most thankful that our God loves us so much! It is because of Him that we are able to make it through this.  He is carrying us when we cannot walk!

We sang the song At Your Name this morning.  I love that song!  I want to SCREAM the chorus! 

Lord of all the earth
We shout Your name, shout Your name
Filling up the skies
With endless praise, endless praise
Yahweh, Yahweh
We love to shout Your name, oh Lord


I leave you with the video of this song! Shout his name!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=il-bJjeiOhY

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Good News

Friday afternoon we got a phone call that was an answered prayer! The provider that holds the largest bill has agreed to a large discount allowing us to reduce our total campaign amount. I cried when he told me because it was such a relief. Hunter and I, along with many other people, have prayed so hard that God would show up in a big way and do something with all these bills. Our small group circled around us last Sunday and prayed over us. The original amount we thought we owed was so huge it was completely overwhelming.   Well, he heard our prayers, and we feel like our new goal is something that is attainable!  We are hoping to raise close to $45,000.

We have been completely humbled by all the generous donations we have received so far. Thanks to everyone who has helped us in so many different ways as we walk down this difficult road. We would never be making it through this without such amazing family and friends!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

He is the Same God

I am so blessed to be in a weekly prayer group with some of the most incredible, Godly women.  It certainly helps me get through these weeks that seem to be really long at this point in our lives. Anyway, while I was there yesterday I received a message from Hunter that had some disappointing news in it.  We were waiting to hear from a guy in hopes that he could help us negotiate our MSHA bill. (This is the largest bill).  Hunter's message simply said..."he can't help." Another dead end. I told the girls in my prayer group I just feel like..."Where's God"?  I know he is strong, mighty, and sovereign but where is he? It is hard enough losing our little girl but then this and it is disappointment after disappointment!

Well, one of the girls reminded me by saying..." Mimi, he is the same God now as he was when he took Lucy...and when he told Moses to part the Red Sea(exodus 14:1-31)...and when He told Moses to strike the rock and water came pouring out(Numbers20:1-13).  He can do immeasurably more than we can imagine. It all comes down to faith. I said yesterday, " I know he is looking down and saying 'oh ye, of little faith'...but, through all of this I know he is strengthening my faith. We have nothing to cling to but Him.  He's got this!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Fundraising Update and Thank You

We have been so humbled by all the generous gifts of friends and family! Through our blog and other generous gifts we have raised $5,558.25.  Dealing with the overwhelming amount of bills after losing Lucy has been very painful. Her name is printed all over them along with "baby girl" Simpson.  It is such a constant, visual reminder of what we lost.   Wow, it hurts like crazy but I told a good friend today that I am so glad that God chose me to be her mommy! She changed her Daddy and me so much in the three days we had her. She filled our hearts with a love for our Heavenly Father that is indescribable! I look at my children, our circumstances, friendships,etc...with a new pair of eyes! All of this happened because of our Lucy! He wants us to love harder...live bigger...and do it all for HIM! That's what we intend to do!

Saturday, January 11, 2014

I feel like Job

Job was a wealthy and upright man who lost his possessions, his children and his health.  Everything was stripped away from him.  But at the end of the story Job finally learned that when nothing else was left, he had God, and that was enough!

I am not going to lie. Life is really hard right now. Grieving our loss of Lucy is hard enough.  Throw in the enormous medical bills, and a few other really stressful things and whew!!! But through this I am truly learning that God is enough! He is my calm in the storm. He is my strength when I am weak.  
He is my ALL in ALL. Nothing surprises Him.  He never changes. He is always the same...loving, kind, gentle and PRESENT. Even times when I don't think He is present, He is!!

The Lord had a plan for Job and He has a plan for us. He is calling us to total dependency...pure faith and trust! I really like to feel like I have total control in situations.  Well, I am learning that I have no control! He does! I have to let go of the reigns and let Him lead me.  Job 42:1 says, " I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

So, as I sit here feeling like Job, I can find rest in knowing that my God is enough! And our greatest reward will be knowing Him in a deeper and much more intimate way!




Monday, January 6, 2014

More Thoughts On the Sovereignty of God

Another great example of men resting in the sovereignty of God is the story in Daniel chapter 3, of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego. These three young Hebrew captives would not bow to the golden idol that king Nebuchadnezzar set up. The king brought these three men in before Him and gave them one more chance to either bow or be cast into the fiery furnace and be burned. And they said, "If that is the case, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us from your hand, O king. But if not, let it be known to you, O king, that we do not serve your gods, nor will we worship the gold image which you have set up" (Daniel 3:17-18). They weren't careful at all in their answer to the king. They were very bold and very sure about their God. They were resting in a very unsure situation in the ability of their God. They knew their God was able to deliver them one way or the other. He would deliver them out of the fire or out of the king’s hand. God honored their faith in His sovereign power and delivered them out of the fire. Do you have this kind of bold faith in the mighty hand of God to deliver you?( The Sovereignty of God by Steve Carr)

I am praying for that kind of bold faith! Hunter and I are in the heat of a very unsure situation! It has been hard enough not having Lucy to hold, rock, kiss, and make memories with. Throw in the enormous bills we are faced with, and I am quick to ask God...where are you? Are you able to take care of this? But if I believe in his sovereign power I know he can! 

Several different times today I was reminded of the verse in Psalm that says " be still and know that I am God."  He is El Elyon...God Most High...Sovereign over All! I can find true rest in that! 

Saturday, January 4, 2014

He Gives and Takes Away

Nine weeks ago our lives changed forever! Nine weeks ago we welcomed our little girl in the world and three days later handed her to our Father.  The 5 or so hours we were in the NICU with Lucy when she was slipping away are forever etched in our memory!  I will never forget hovering over her and telling her how much I loved her...and telling her to hang on...and telling her there were so many things I wanted to teach her.  After the ultrasound of her brain, we knew there was a choice we were going to have to make.  There was nothing else the doctors could do.  Hunter and I stood there with our preacher.  We wept.  I screamed.  I almost walked out of the NICU without ever holding her.  I am so glad I changed my mind!  I told the nurses I wanted to hold her.  They unplugged all of her stuff.  They pulled up a rocking chair and Hunter and I sat there and stared at our little girl.  We stared at Lucy knowing that these would be the only memories we would make with her!  I sang Seek Ye First to her...one of the songs I sing to the other 3 every single night. 

It gets a hair easier everyday, but we have a long road ahead of us!  Yes, it helps having my three kiddos to distract me, but sometimes it makes it harder.   There are times when I look at them, and I see a piece of our family puzzle missing.  I couldn't wait to watch them grow up with Lucy.  I just knew the boys were going to be so protective of her and Maggie was going to be the best big sister!  I couldn't wait to see Hunter fall in love with another daughter! 

But our God gives and takes away.  I know that!  When he takes away, it hurts really, really bad.  But I am learning so much about our Savior.  Have I gotten mad at Him?  Absolutely!  Have I screamed at him and asked why? You bet!  But at the end of the day I know he loves us unconditionally and His plans are best!  I can't see that right now, but I know in my heart it is true!

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Sovereign Over Us

One of my favorite songs to listen to is "Sovereign Over Us" by Aaron Keyes.  The first week after Lucy went home I would listen to this song every night. I would sing it through agonizing tears...raise my hands in the air...and cling to every word of the song. He is SOVEREIGN over us.

I decided last night that I wanted to dig into the Word and learn more about the Sovereignty of God. Webster defines sovereign as having supreme rank, power or authority. Through reading and understanding more about God's sovereignty, I found that asking questions like "why is God doing this to us?" and " what is His purpose in all this?"...I am questioning his authority-or sovereignty- over us. I'm questioning who He is and the position he holds as God and King.

In Romans 8:28, Scripture declares that all things work together for good to those that love God and are called according to His purpose. This verse declares the power of God’s sovereignty over all the things that occur in our life. He is working all things for our good. God doesn't use just some of these things, but all of them. He doesn't use just the good things for His purposes, but all things to bring about His ultimate purpose in our lives. He’s shaping everything together to bring about good in our life. (The Sovereignty of God by Steve Carr)

Just one more thing I can cling to and claim as we continue to live life without our daughter. He is Sovereign Over Us!!

Follow this link to watchAaron Keyes sing "Sovereign Over Us"
Enjoy...and let the Sovereignty of a God "wash over you!!"

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VPkMbhydU9I