Visiting Lucy's gravesite

On October 30th Hunter and I took all the kids to the cemetery to lay flowers at Lucy's grave.  The kids(well the 3 big ones)  haven't been there since her graveside service.  I am going to be real honest here...they did not want to go and I made them.  It was a personal decision between Hunter and me.  We felt like it would be good for them to be there...see her full name...weep over her tombstone with us...and just to talk through the different emotions we feel so strongly around her birthday and home-going day!  We were able to remind them that she is in heaven...the most perfect place of all and the home we truly long for!  It was very hard and very painful, but it felt good! She is such an important part of our family story...she changed all of us as hard as it is!  And I wanted a picture of all 5 of my children!  It's the only one I have and I cherish it so very, very much!

I have hesitated writing about visiting the cemetery but I remember for months and months after Lucy passed away I loved reading blogs of parents that had lost a child.  It gave me comfort knowing I wasn't alone and that others had walked the same path as me!  I wanted to know that joy would one day return...that grief and sadness wouldn't always linger...that I would truly laugh again one day...and I can say that joy did return...that I'm not consumed with grief and sadness daily and that I laugh often! 

As I am writing this I am looking at our Christmas tree.  I am reminded how unbelievably hard, sad and difficult the first Christmas is after a devastating loss.  I am thankful for the healing the Lord has brought to my heart and how I've been able to enjoy this Christmas season.  But, on the other hand, I hurt for all the families that are feeling the weight of their losses!  If you know someone that's hurting from a loss or just hurting right now...send them a message, give them a card, sit down and have  cup of coffee with them.  It means SO much!

And to those that read this and are hurting, I am so, so sorry! It is hard and lonely...but I encourage you to invite Jesus into your grief.  He knows every ounce of how you feel...because He is the Jesus of our grief!  True rest and comfort will only come from Him! 

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Happy 3rd Birthday Precious Daughter

I have been incredibly blessed with some amazing people in my life that pray with me, for me, and speak so much wisdom and truth into my life! I am completely blessed with some of the wisest and most Jesus loving women! They have been praying for my October...that I could come to love it again, that I would rest in Him as I weep and trust...and I can tell you from experience that prayer is powerful!!! As a whole this October has been full of joy! Little things that the Lord has done to make it a little easier...like my brother and sister in law just hopping in the car and heading to our neck of the woods and spending the night with us !!...my mama being able to come and spend three nights the week of Lucy's birthday!...the Lord has been so kind to me and has allowed me to realize these were gifts he was giving me! He is the giver of good gifts!!

As hard and sad Lucy's birthday is I have promises to cling to! I have precious words that dear friends have sent me to remind me of the God that loves me...words like "I'm praying for you as you weep deeply over what you've lost and then turn your eyes to all that you've gained in Jesus"..."will be lifting you up as you weep and trust in him."..."Been on my mind all week. Praying for you to feel and know His comfort this week and that you will approach the throne of grace knowing Jesus understands your pain and can carry you in and through it. Love you."...These are just a few from the many that have been sent our way! Again, these are good, precious gifts from Him!I have clung to these words from all of these dear friends as I have and will probably continue to weep deeply today and for the next several days. I will weep over my little girl that I miss so much!! But I can and will weep with hope!! And I know that the God of all comfort will comfort me!

So Happy Birthday my precious daughter! Your Daddy and I love you with all of our hearts! We are so thankful for your precious life and can't wait to spend eternity with you!!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

It's that time of year again...

Fall is here for sure! We are enjoying crisp, cool morning air. We are grabbing jackets before we walk out the door. There is "pumpkin" something in every store and pumpkin recipes galore! I like fall...I just don't LOVE it...I used to...but you know what? A dear friend prayed over me yesterday that the Lord would redeem that! She prayed that the Lord would redeem my love for Fall...and guess what??!!... I can't but HE CAN! So, I'm standing on that truth!! I LOVE that he can make beauty from the ashes!!

Tomorrow is the first day of October. It is the beginning of the longest month in our house. My step is a little heavier and my heart hurts more. On October 27th we will celebrate Lucy's 3rd birthday. Wow!! Three years!! But it still feels like yesterday!! I'll be honest...it sucks really bad!! What would my little girl look like? Would she have blue eyes like all my babies? Would she have the tinge of red in her hair like her sister and her Mama? What would her voice sound like? Would she be following Maggie around everywhere? My questions could go on and on! So, I'm going to miss my girl like crazy...I'm going to cry when I feel it coming...I'm going to go to the cemetery and put flowers at her graveside...but more than anything I'm going to let Jesus carry me through this like he has done  since we told Lucy good bye.  Psalm 30:5 will be at the forefront of my mind. "weeping may last for a night but joy comes in the morning!" 

Whatever you are going through cling to this truth! He is there walking right beside you...even carrying you...and JOY does come in the morning!!

Happ Fall!!

Taste and see the Lord's Goodness

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

I need to clean out Maggie's closet.  There are clothes hanging in there that are a size 5 and 6.  She is 9! Normally I would call it procrastination...and I am SUCH  a procrastinator.  But that isn't the reason I haven't cleaned out her closet and done something with a bazillion size 5/6 dresses...I don't want to! I was saving them for Lucy! This October will be her 3rd birthday!!!! Yes, it has been almost three years and I still have them hanging!   When I found out we were having another girl, I couldn't wait to go through all the boxes of clothes that were Maggie's.  I was ecstatic about these sisters! And of course I had a lifetime of things I couldn't wait to do with another daughter! 

But little did I know the story that the Lord was weaving.  I didn't know it at the time but in April of 2013(six months before Lucy was born) a precious little girl was born to what would become a very dear, dear friend of mine.  I met Jill about a month after her son, Roan, passed away.  It was a very similar situation to Lucy.  We, of course, had an immediate bond and knew each other's deepest hurts. She instantly became very dear to my heart and a very close friend!  Several months after I met Jill Luke was born.  Luke and Roan would have been 2 months apart and I am certain they would have been the best of friends!  As would have Lucy and her daughter!  Can you see the picture he is weaving?  I don't have Lucy with me but I get to watch one of my dearest friends enjoy her daughter that is Lucy's age!  Jill doesn't have Roan with her this side of heaven but she has a special bond with Luke! 

Jill and I were at Windy Gap together with our families this past weekend.  Through a sweet conversation we had, I was reminded of the goodness and kindness of our Lord! Jill and I both miss Lucy and Roan so much, but we are both tasting the Lord's goodness through our losses...even though sometimes it is REALLY  hard!!

I love how He has taken something painful...like cleaning out a closet...and turned it into something sweet.  Because now I can clean out Maggie's closet and pass those handmade dresses on to my dear friend and watch her daughter enjoy them!  I can smile when I see SJ in a dress that was Maggie's!

So, today I am thankful that I can "taste and see that the Lord is good!"  I might even go clean out a closet now!!