Beauty from Ashes

 “I’m gonna drink this painful cup all the way down, just drain it. And I’m gonna ask the Lord to make it something beautiful.”..-Molly Piper, daughter in law of well known author and preacher John Piper

This is how I want to begin 2014. I am accepting the fact that The Lord has given us this painful cup. He chose us for a reason. But, I am going drink every last drop of the pain and know full well in the depths of my heart that He will turn these painful ashes into something beautiful.

I have begun to know Him in such a more intimate way since we lost Lucy. I chatted with a dear friend over Christmas who lost her newborn son 10 years ago. She made me realize something so profound. The love we have for our children is almost indescribable! I love Lucy just as much as I love Tyner, Maggie, and Hunt...and even though I have very few memories with her it doesn't change how strong a love and bond I had and will always have with her. But if I have this much love for my child who is no longer with me...can you imagine how deep the Father's love is for us?

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge"-Ephesians 3:17&18

So, pray for us as we begin 2014. It will be a hard year with many more "firsts" to get through. But The Lord has gone before us and will make something beautiful from our pain! I cling to that!!

Should be...but really shouldn't be!

I am so tempted to say and think lots of "should be's" right now.
"We should have a newborn in the car with us on the way to Mississippi for Christmas"
We should have 6 stockings instead of 5"
"I should be nursing Lucy right now."
But, a dear friend shared some very truthful words with me.  I shouldn't be! That was not The Lord's plan for Lucy. He has known from the beginning of time that our 4th child...a precious daughter that looked just like her big brother,Hunt, and her daddy...would bless us for 3 days. He knew she would forever change our hearts and lives!

I needed this loss to understand what true suffering and heart break is. I needed it so I would fix my eyes on our Lord and Savior. I needed it so I would fully understand what it means to cling to Him. I needed it so I would realize how truly selfish I am, and I can't live fully without my God and King.  Of course I wish it wouldn't have taken the death of my Lucy for me to realize these things! But our God knows best!

This Mama is forever changed! Moments with my children are so much sweeter...I cherish each one of them for who they are and the unique qualities that The Lord gave them.  I adore my husband for the strength he has shown and continues to show...but thankful he has also shown me his broken heart as well! I love him so much!
I begin 2014 with an open heart, open mind and open arms! I look forward to all the things he will reveal to us!

Here's to a 2014 full of peace, love, joy, comfort and healing!!

God is Good

You know...God is good! He is good in the trials and heartache...He is good when things are going just the way we want them to! He is always good, gracious, loving, gentle, and merciful.  He shows up in big ways and small ways!  On days I have felt like I couldn't walk he has carried me! And he will continue to. He never left my side nor will he ever! Wow! I stand in amazement at the faithfulness of our King!

Lucky for Lucy! She gets to spend Christmas with Jesus! Sure wish I could...but since I probably won't be I'll continue to stand in amazement at the Christ child. I'll stand here with arms wide open getting full on Him!

My husband...My rock

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."  Ephesians 5:31

I am more in love with Hunter now than I was when we got married. He has been my rock! He has held me so many times while I wept uncontrollably, and he will continue to. This was one of the first blessings that came from our losing Lucy. A c-section is extremely painful. I needed help sitting down and standing up. I couldn't get in and out of the car by myself. Anything that required my sitting or rising he had to help me. I would wrap my arms around his neck with our cheeks pressed against each other's. He would gently lay me down. It was in those moments I saw this man I married in a whole new way! He loves me unconditionally! 

Lord, thank you for this man I married! Thank you for the love he shows me everyday. I pray that we continue to walk in your ways in all we do. Wrap your loving arms around us as we still grieve for our Lucy.  Continue to heal our broken hearts. We love you Jesus!!!

My Hope

1. My hope is built on nothing less 
 than Jesus' blood and righteousness. 
 I dare not trust the sweetest frame, 
 but wholly lean on Jesus' name. 

  2. When Darkness veils his lovely face, 
 I rest on his unchanging grace. 
 In every high and stormy gale, 
 my anchor holds within the veil. 
 (Refrain) 

 3. His oath, his covenant, his blood 
 supports me in the whelming flood. 
 When all around my soul gives way, 
 he then is all my hope and stay. 
 (Refrain) 

 4. When he shall come with trumpet sound, 
 O may I then in him be found! 
 Dressed in his righteousness alone, 
 faultless to stand before the throne! 
 (Refrain) 

Refrain: On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand; all other ground is sinking sand. 

I love this song and the words confirm what I know and believe in my heart.  I am resting in him. My hope is in him. The blood He shed and the sacrifice He made is because HE LOVES ME.  

Lord I ask you to show up in a mighty way. Continue to turn our hearts toward you in every situation.   I miss my little girl so bad it aches. But turn our sorrow to joy. Remind us of the blessings we have seen so far and will continue to see because of our precious Lucy.  You are the Great I AM! You are Emmanuel, God With Us.  

The Body of Christ

12The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts; and though all its parts are many, they form one body.  So it is with Christ… 27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. ~ I Corinthians 12:12, 27 

Hunter and I visited numerous churches when we moved to Johnson City.  Easter Sunday of 2012 we visited Redeemer Community Church and found our home! Our church family has surrounded us and loved on us unconditionally. Our preacher was in the NICU with us when Lucy went home. He truly felt our pain because he and his wife also lost a newborn daughter.  Our daughters are buried close to one another.  This was all part of the Lord's plan in leading us to Redeemer.  

We joined a small group in September. The afternoon we lost Lucy our small group came to our house and surrounded us. They hugged us...loved on us...and wept with us!  They have spent the night with our kids so we could get away.  Sunday at church I fell apart and ran to the bathroom. A dear friend from my small group followed me in there and wrapped her arms around me. I screamed and sobbed.  She held me and cried with me. 

Our church body has surrounded us in numerous other ways.  They have been the hands and feet of Christ!  They have been and will continue to be our family up here.  Philippians  1:3 says, "I thank my God every time I remember you." And I do! We wouldn't have made it this far without the body of Christ that has surrounded us!

Fixing My Eyes

2 Corinthians 4:14-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Through losing Lucy my focus has been completely shifted. I begin each day on my knees.  When I'm driving in the car I am talking to The Lord. While I wash dishes and fold clothes I am praying. He has me at a place of total dependence on Him! I am living in the lap of our Savior! 

His Unfailing Love

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8

Every morning before my feet touch the ground I recite this verse.  We are living day by day hour by hour. Living like this allows us to see the blessings in each moment! We don't take anything for granted and are so thankful for the small things.  I feel like now we have a much more eternal perspective.  Through our sweet Lucy we have seen our faith strengthened, our marriage grow in countless ways, and deep friendships formed.  We will continue to see blessings flow from our loss.

Is it hard? Words can't describe! The pain is excruciating at times. When I am in the depths of the despair I fall to my knees. I cry out, and he hears me.  He wraps his loving arms around me and I am covered in peace.  Losing Lucy has placed me at my Father's feet almost hourly, and that is exactly where I need to be!

Lucy's Story

In March of 2013 I found out I was pregnant.  It was quite a surprise to us all, but I was very excited.  We found out in July that our surprise 4th child was going to be a girl.  It was the perfect scenario in my eyes.  I would have 2 boys and 2 girls.  I was ecstatic!  Hunter and I both always said if we had another girl her name would be Lucy.  Oh, I was beside myself excited!! Maggie(#2 child) was super excited as well.  November couldn't get here fast enough because I just couldn't wait to meet my sweet, precious Lucy.  I never worried about a thing during my pregnancy Lucy.  I had had 3 very healthy pregnancies before her!     October 27, 2013 we welcomed our baby girl and on October 30, 2013 she left my arms and went straight into the arms of our Father.  Below are the details about her birth and the few days she lived from our caring bridge site that my loving, amazing husband wrote.

On Sunday, October 27th, we were sitting in church and Mimi mentioned that Lucy had not been moving much that morning or the night before.  She was counting movements and as the morning progressed the movements became fewer and fewer.  Sunday afternoon several hours passed with no movement in her belly.  We were naturally concerened and called the State of Franklin OBGYN 24 HR Emergent Line.  Dr Brent Laing asked Mimi to come on in so that he could watch her for a little while.

When we arrived at Franklin Woods Hospital, Mimi was hooked to several monitors and much to our relief...Lucy had what seemed to be a great heartbeat.  After several hours, Dr Laing still had some concerns but felt like everything would be fine by morning.  Around 7pm, an ultrasound was ordered to see what little Lucy was up to in there.  Still no movement but a good heartbeat.  She looked like she was in a peaceful slumber.

By 7:30pm, Lucy started reacting adversely to Mimi's very minor contractions.  Each time there would be a contraction, Lucy's heartbeat would plummet.  Dr Laing decided to sit on the bed with us and just watch Lucy's reactions.  After some time, Dr Laing realized that Lucy was in enough trouble that she needed to be delivered very soon.  He decided that inducing labor would be too much for Lucy to handle and that an emergency C-Section would be the route we needed to go and soon.  We agreed.

By 8:30pm, Mimi was in the OR and the doctors were preparing her spinal.  At 9:10pm, Lucy Pattison Simpson was born.  She cried and then the action began.  As soon as Lucy's umbilical cord was cut, he lights essentially went out.  She could not breathe and her heart was not wanting to beat.  Lucy was bright white from blood loss. 

The neonatal nurses and doctors went to work.  Things were flying around the room and people were everywhere.  They could not get her to breathe and could not get her heart to beat consistently.  Very quickly Dr Darshan Shah (Neonatologist) arrived and started directing efforts.  After a 50 minute battle, they had Lucy stabilized enough to move her to the NICU at Niswonger Childrens Hospital.

Before they transported Lucy, Dr Shah came to our room to let us know the chances of surviving this were very slim.  He had already begun to suspect that Lucy suffered from Chronic Anemia and she had lost about 85% of her blood over several weeks time.  Something that was not detectable. On top of that, she was 5 weeks early.

Around 11pm, I decided to go be with Lucy at the NICU since we were at another hospital.  Over the next few hours I began to realize what had occurred and what was happening.  Little Lucy's oxygen in her blood was almost nil.  She had a hemoglobin of 3, something that had never been seen by these doctors.  Her lungs required complete support.  Her heart was enlarged to fill almost her entire chest cavity.  She was requiring a lot of blood since she basically had none when she was born.  Her other organs were not operating due to lack of blood and oxygen.  Her body was in a severe state of Acidosis.  She had very little chance of survival.  I was told just a few more hours if things did not change.

After a few more hours, Dr Shah and the unbelievable nursing staff in the NICU had her a little more stable due to a nitric treatment.  I then decided that Mimi needed some attention as well and Lucy was in good hands.

Monday morning, I called for updates.  Lucy was having trouble again with her oxygen levels and she was really in trouble again.  They worked and worked and worked on her.  By about midday, they had come from about losing her to brining her to a state of some stability.  Unbelievable work by this staff. 

Monday night, Mimi and I went to see Lucy.  Her oxygen levels were fairly stable in the 90s up to 100.  Her hemoglobin was at a 32.....all the way from a 3 to begin with.  She was still on 100% jet ventilator and a back up ventilator.  She was still on the nitric treatment.  She was still on every other machine known to man.....but she was stable for the time being.

Tuesday.  Dr Laing decided to discharge Mimi.  This afternoon, we left Franklin Woods Hospital and went directly to Niswonger NICU to see LUCY.  She has begun to retain a lot fluid because her kidneys are not functioning well....so she is very swolen.  Her oxygen levels are good.  Her Acidosis is getting better and better.  She is still on full support.  Her abdomen scan showed damage to all of her organs but the severity is still unknown.  An ultrasound of her brain shows that there is no bleeding in the brain....thats a praise.  Dr Shah came in and talked to us.  He said that Lucy has come so so far but she still has a long way to go.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

We left our house around noon to go see our sweet little girl.  About 5 minutes before we arrived Hunter's phone rang.  It was the NICU.  They told us to hurry...she was slipping away and very fast.  My parents were following us.  We got there as fast as we could.  When we got to her side her numbers were very low.  The nurses and Dr. Shah were doing everything they could.  I fell on my knees and prayed so hard.  I cried out to our Father...the Great Physician.  A few minutes later a miracle had occured.  Her numbers were back up and she was stable.  Dr. Shah had no medical answer for how this happened.  We knew what had happened.  The Great Physicia had performed a miracle.  He wanted us to know how mighty and powerful he was and still is!   I thought we were good to go.  I just knew she was going to come out of this and it was going to be one of those "miracle stories."  Well, the Lord had another plan!  Yes, he perfomed a miracle right in front of our eyes, but He is the final decision maker.  Dr. Shah ordered and ultrasound of her brain.  The ultrasound showed severe hemorrhaging in her brain.  Our sweet, precious Lucy was not going to make it.  I held her and sang to her with her Daddy right beside me.  We kissed and loved our sweet little girl.  She left my arms and went straight home to her Father's arms.

Hunter and I both saw the gospel in such a real way through our sweet Lucy.  We tasted a tiny bit of the agony that God our Father went through when he put his only son on the cross.  He could have stopped it but he didn't.  It wasn't part of the "story."  He could have saved Lucy, but he didn't.  It wasn't his plan for her life.  He has bigger plans.  We rest in knowing that our God is sovereign, merciful, and gracious.  He is loving, compassionate and kind.  Yes, this hurts like a hurt we have never felt before, but I truly feel his presence.  He is working in and through us for His Glory!